A Child's Innocence
by Kinlor
Summary: when each brother contemplate the innocence of the other when they were children.
1. Field of Innocence

AN: This is my first attempt at a SPN fic so be kind if you will.

when the brothers contemplate the innocence of the other when they were children.

* * *

From Dean's perspective

* * *

_Field of Innocence  
_

**1**

3:47 PM.

School was out and Sam was late and Dean was forced to endure the onslaught of children freed from the jail cell of their class rooms. They had split up, Sam to do the research he couldn't do on his laptop and Dean to interview victims and families of late victims. Dean dropped his brother off at the library hours ago and they were supposed to meet at the park at three. He might have called to see what was taking so long if the day hadn't been nice enough to sit outside. Even he could enjoy nice weather.

After sitting for a few minutes the laughter and screaming of the gaggle of children at the playground across the park became a little more bearable. Settling back against the park bench Dean watched, mostly, attractive blonde mothers, but occasionally, the children. He winced as a kid hit the dirt crying. The ease in which his mother calmed him made the corners of Dean's mouth pull up a bit, more in memory than at the sincerity of the moment.

One of the few times as children that he and Sam were allowed to be just that, children, was a time when they're father was meeting a contact not more than half dozen yards away in a park near a playground. He told the boys to keep busy and not to wonder too far off. Sam, while Dean's back was turned, fell and skinned his knee. Dean was scolded for not looking after him after strict orders too, but he'd also been the one who stopped Little Sammy's crying. The remembrance of how few, far and in between those kinds of childhood moments happened caused Dean's lips to fall back into that pale, thin line of contemplation.

Sam used to be innocent like the crying child in the park. Once. He used to be just like those playing children; laughing and innocent, curious about all the right things like why the sky was blue, or why birds could fly or why Tom didn't like Jerry. But then it happened. "Why are we always moving?", "Where's dad?" and "when is he coming back?". Dean hated to lie to him. Even then. He hated seeing the disappointment in his brother's eyes when their father failed to show or when Dean couldn't deliver.

Dean liked to remember the happy, innocent Sammy who fell in the park and scraped his knee and cried for him, not their father. He liked to remember the Sammy whose biggest concern was the spider in the corner getting him. He even liked the Sammy who fought with him for the last bowl of Lucky Charms, not only because he was still innocent and care free, but because those moments helped Dean forget why they moved, who their father was and what was really in the dark.

Sam's innocence became Dean's lost innocence and whether he realized it or not, even then, he wanted to protect it. Whether it was to keep Sammy pure or just for his own selfishness, to have something to lose himself in, he couldn't remember; though, in retrospect Dean would have down anything so as to give his younger brother that innocence and freedom.

Dean jerked back from his thoughts when a weight shifted the bench. He looked up at the sound of Sam's chuckling, probably at the surprised look on his face.

"Sorry I'm late." Sam said.  
"S'alright." said Dean, regaining himself, "Let's get something to eat."

He hit Sam in the shoulder as he got up, giving him one of those rare smiles that almost never breached the surface of Dean's heavy emotional guard. For a moment Sam seemed speechless but finally replied:

"Sure."


	2. Innocence Faded

when the brothers contemplate the innocence of the other when they were children.

* * *

From Sam's perspective

* * *

_Innocence Faded  
_

**2**

Sam jogged down the little beaten down dirt path that cut through the trees— probably a path once frequented by deer but had become a prime spot for lazy middle-aged men hoping to cut a few extra minutes from their jog— in search of his brother. He was late and he was sure Dean would be annoyed, but there were only so many working computers at the public library and even in the middle of a school day there were kids using them.

He spotted Dean sitting on a bench a few yards from the local playground, more or less watching the young mothers with their kids. Both he and Dean looked up when a kid hit the dirt hard and started crying. Sam smiled, watching a young brunette woman wipe his tears and quickly calm him with a kiss to his dirty temple, beneath floppy, skewed brown hair.

He focused his attention on his brother's back as he set out towards him, but stopped, watching Dean watch the kids he wondered if Dean had ever been like that; so frail, so innocent. Did he even get the chance? Did Dean ever have the freedom of ignorance that every other child had running across clean cut park grass to their father's open arms and smiling face— the smiling face that was lost with their mother— his only though being how to score an extra cookie after dinner.

Probably, but Sam wasn't sure Dean would even be able to recall those memories of himself. They were so long ago and so much had happened between now and then. Sam could barely remember for himself and he knew he hadn't fully experienced everything Dean had, nor could he say he had suffered the same kind of losses at that age. He hadn't known their mother. When Sam thought about it, it made him feel incredibly guilty. He couldn't name a single moment when Dean had the innocence of a child. It had been ripped from him the same way their mother had. Dean would never know the safety of ignorance and every time Sam thought about it he felt an awful weight on his shoulders. It wasn't his fault, but he felt like it was.

He tried to make up for it by emulating Dean. Trying to be just like him so one day maybe he could kill the spider in the corner or help dean with his scrapes when he fell. Sam smiled at the memory of his younger self, wanting to be just like his older brother. Even now he wished he could be like Dean; experience what he had, suffer what he had— not that Sam hadn't suffered in his own right— just so he could understand fully how life had been for Dean. So that maybe he could try and make it better, so that maybe he could be the hero like Dean had been in their childhood. So he could give Dean a chance to experience the innocence that had been denied him.

Shaking his head, Sam wondered if Dean wasn't sometimes right when he called him over emotional, or in Dean exact words "a girl". He laughed to himself covering the remaining distance between himself and his brother with a few quick strides before slumping down on the bench beside Dean. He chucked as Dean seemed to jerk back into reality, amused with catching his brother off guard.

"Sorry I'm late." Sam Said.  
"S'alright." said Dean, "Let's get something to eat."

Sam's shoulder jerked with the hit as Dean punched his arm, but it was the accompanying smile that caught him. He could feel the warmth in it, and could barely hide the surprise from Dean's sudden and secret display of affection.

"Sure." Sam smiled back.


End file.
